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Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

Please, just look right though me

Its like stairs, it really is. You go up just a bit upwards slowly. Very slowly. But they are steep and you have been climbing them for so very long. And I'm tired.

It's strange, because I wouldn't say it's when I keep busy. - More like if I keep having fun I can get away from myself. But this weekend everyone was busy, so I sat here and existed, and it was far from enjoyable.

Let me start here, there is a person who means very much to me, and I have decided that is ok. And this person and I had a lot of fun Friday (or at least I found it fun, but I'm sure this person did to) and it was a very enjoyable time, than I returned home and realized how lonely I am, and how much this person does indeed mean to me.

I just wasted time, and thought about the future, the past, and the present:

My mother said that I'm 'changing' and that irritates me, because I realized I am. And it was concerning to me because I have been the same me for so very long. But than I realized that it is needed change, just part of growing up. Though I do sometimes wish I could rewind time, either to watch - relive. But never to erase, despite my current state, those memories are precious to me.

This person once said that they missed me when I was gone, so they would know how I felt this weekend. All I know is that my life is like running in water, it's all it is. And it hurts to do things like school because all their shit is not only the least of my problems, but slows things down even more.

My brother's girlfriend is living with us temporarily, who I think is awesome, seriously I wouldn't mind if she lived with us forever. I just wish I had more space, because having them in the room always hugging on each other is uncomfortable, I just need space.

I walked to the mall the other day, to write, but I didn't get anything really written, just kept wishing that person was there with me, because that person makes me feel more alive, more like I'm living in the now, instead of the then. I just wish I had the same effect on this person. It's like a flat tire, you can drive on it but it's going to break it.

And as I write this I worry about what might happen because o fit. The point of this journal is to write what I think and feel, and the live aspect of it is so that people can read it, but what happens when you step on peoples feelings with it - I suppose no one has to read it, actually I don't think I should worry because no one does read it.

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Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

After much insanity my life is falling back together. Though our family has gained another 'member' and our house has become small three are a few thins I can reflect on positively about my last few weeks of life.

I no longer find it awkward around the opposite sex. I suppose once you overstep the social barrier you see that it's nearly the same world and you just accept it for what it is.

Though I still may not know exactly what 'love' is, I can make this quick analysis of it quite easily; in the good times it is the best good times you have ever had. However in the bad it is the worst hell you can imagine.

I would also like to drop this piece of advice in here, as I know many people who traverse the internet are in this situation: When you become depressed all you really know is that you want to get better because you can remember it felt better before you where depressed. The only way out is not to look to the past for what gave you happiness, but to look to the future. It is far easier said than done, however it is relay the only direction to look. Attempting to fix the past is not possible, and though time travel is possible by remembering the past - this regurgitated past can never changed the present.

Also I have learned one other thing; friends are very important people because they care about you. However knowing the right thing to do is much different from the right path to walk. Trust your emotions, for they will very rarely steer you wrong.

Another bit I have observed about relationships. When people have been 'more than just friends' mostly in males, though I have seen it in females though my observations in that aria are some what narrow. When the relationship goes bad the other person is blamed with everything, accusations are poised such as "lies" and "playing" and "it's her fault" stuff like that. However you must never forget that it started out with friendship, and why would you take someone whom you wanted to date and send them away? That doesn't make sense to me, personally if you wanted someone to love you it seems strange to me that you could just turn your love for them into hate as soon as things get sour. - Of course we all say things we regret, and have our days. However being mad is much different than hate and ignorance.

I don't believe the two most said things about women, the "There is someone perfect whom is meant for you" bit, and the "Plenty of fish in the sea" saying.

If you wanted a woman who was the same as you in everything what would the point be? Difference is the key, people of similar mind with opinions and a flexible yet not always the same.

I suppose the fine line is
-Do not change yourself for someone else
-Do not be stubborn to new ideas

I'd like to finish with a question that I don't feel anyone can anywhere in the sense I mean this, "What is it about a woman that can make men crazy?"

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Friday, January 9th, 2004

The realization that you have been loose with your deepest problems is a disturbing one. The fact that the aspects of your life you hold very personal are now running loose in the minds of others. Freely exposed to their judgment, freely for them to determine you are lying, or deceiving them. They don't know what is true, but they believe they do, they don't realize that the truth lay buried under a winding maze of deceit and shame. The truth bares many sides, many faces, and many different opinions. Each is the truth, but each is also a fractured reflection of the idea preceding it.

The torment that you wallow in, the feeling that you will be betrayed, or that everyday you betray the ones who care for you. Not necessarily love, but care for your being more than that of a stranger, the fear that the quest to feel better about yourself has become a self centered voyage where misery is used for attention or confidence.

Dreams, reality, hallucinations. All an exaggerated world that exists within the mind, but beyond the scenes. Something deeper a fuel that is burnt to fuel the soul, a fuel built of the dark secrets that plague an un-purged mind.

Is my soul so burnt that I can no longer remain happy?

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Wednesday, January 7th, 2004

Shit.txt can go to hell my friends-

Did something dumb lastnight... Realy Dumb.

Basically life is like a house of cards, every now and again your shaky fingers cause some cards to fall. But now and again you do something stupid and they all fall and you have to start over, well I'm having a hell of a time getting even the first two cards to lean on each other frankly I'm getting sick of building the house after it falls down.

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Saturday, January 3th, 2004

Why Again?

I don't want to go back in there. Don't make me go back into that dark place, the place that only shines with false light. A place that is lit with a kind of humor that no one sees, an epitome, a facetious veil that hides the truth. I don't want to sit there and watch the drops fall as the bucket fills to the top. Slowly.

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